Wow, thank you so much for all the lovely comments yesterday. It was a good day and with your encouragement I let myself be properly happy.
Every time a ‘Who do you think you are?, this is all going to go wrong, you shouldn’t have told people’ voice came into my head I told myself that this is an old pattern of thinking and that it’s not being big-headed to celebrate and share good news.
In our house the worst thing you could ever be is ‘full of yourself’ (a very Irish thing) but while modesty is charming to a point, if we don’t celebrate the good stuff, what is the point of life? The other oft-repeated phrase in our house was ‘Pride goes before a fall….’ so I always associate rare moments of being proud with the dread that something bad is going to happen. But apparently that’s normal.
I wrote a bit about this yesterday but Brene says that one of the most terrifying emotions we have is joy.
She says: ‘How many of us have thought, “Work’s going well. Good relationship with my partner. Holy crap, something bad’s going to happen.” So what is that? It’s when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability. It’s when joy becomes foreboding. We think, “I’m not gonna soften into this moment because I’m scared it’s going to be taken away. We dress rehearse tragedy to beat vulnerability to the punch.’
She continues: ‘A man once told me, “My whole life, I never got too excited about anything. That way if things didn’t work out, I wasn’t devastated, and if they did, it was a pleasant surprise.” And when this man was in his 60s, his wife of 40 years was killed in a car accident. He told me, “The second I realised she was gone, I knew I should have leaned harder into those moments of joy. Because not doing so did not protect me from what I feel now.”
So I really did lean into the joy and I’m going to try hard to do that a lot more from now on. And by ‘leaning into joy’ I don’t even mean shopping!! Yes, you’ll all be happy to know that…
I didn’t celebrate with a triple frappuccino with chocolate muffin, a slap up dinner and a bottle of fizz, nor did I go out and buy a new jumper/shoes/handbag. (Although I really do need a new handbag. The one I have now has a really rough texture and it keeps bobbling the sides of all my jumpers). Instead I went to a work do, had two free wines and came home like a good girl. I don’t even have a hangover today… God, I really am changing… Also, thank you to the people who encouraged me NOT to go blow the advance and to put aside money for tax. It’s a mark of how far I’ve come that I actually found these reminders lovely and encouraging as opposed to ‘Oh my god, get a life…’.
My friend Rebecca called last night and asked ‘What’s this about you getting a Brazilian Blow Dry?’ Me: ‘Er, dunno, but I would quite like to….’ Her: So why have you written a post about getting a Brazilian Blow Dry. Me: I didn’t, I wrote about getting a Brazilian Book Deal. Rebecca: Oh! I didn’t read it properly.
Evidently!! Just in case you haven’t heard about them, Brazilian blow dries (I guess I’m talking to male readers here) are a straightening treatment for your hair and I always think about getting one but they’re about a hundred pounds so I haven’t.
Finally, just to clarify…
A few people have asked if the book will be published in English – it will be but not through this deal. I turned down a UK deal because it didn’t feel right at the time…. (I know, I know, it was a crazy, weird decision but listening to your gut is big in self-help land so I did)… then, randomly, a Brazilian publishing house said they liked the idea and would like to publish it in Portuguese and sell it in Brazil (a very big country!!).
So I will be writing the book in English (obviously) and they will translate it and sell it only in Brazil. Whatever way we do it though, the book will be available in the UK too. I might try to get another UK deal or I could self-publish. I haven’t decided yet. I’ll keep you posted.
And that’s it! I’m just about to re-read Brene’s book and will do another post tomorrow. Look at me, I’m back!
Have a good day. Looks very cloudy here in London. xx[easyazon_link asin=”0670923540″ locale=”UK” new_window=”default” nofollow=”default” tag=”hemebl08-21″]Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead[/easyazon_link]
PPS – I used the phrase ‘tits up’ in yesterday’s post, classy girl that I am, and Zoe, my New York friend pointed out that it’s not a phrase anybody uses in the States. John C, a reader, then kindly informed us that ‘Tits up’ is ‘alleged military slang for ‘Total Inability To Support Usual Performance’‘ So there you go. Love those kinds of titbits. John was also the one who told me to keep money away from tax… so double thanks, John.
PPPS – The quote at the top of the page isn’t a Brene Brown one, I just really liked it. Marianne Williamson is a self-help goddess to many but I haven’t read too much of her stuff. She wrote a book called A Return to Love which includes a quote that gets shared a lot. Its a quote that either annoys me or moves me, depending on my mood but it fits right into this theme actually:
“ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
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